silhouette #79

when there’s too many differences, too much hurt and damage done… can we still hang on and stay? or is it time for the goodbye again? this time… a last goodbye. 

i dont know where to start.. i no longer know what to say.. i dont know what else i can do.. why do you keep pushing me away? why do you keep pushing me to be with others? why do you even think that they’re other guys waiting for me? why should i even care if there is.. when you’re all i want.. yet no matter what i say or do.. you choose to think otherwise.. i love you r.. and to me you’re the best.. and you’d always be.. in my eyes.. and you know it.. you know it very well.. so why do you keep telling me to give others a chance? why do you keep pushing me away? why cant you give me, give us another chance? am i that undeserving of you? am i that awful, that horrible, that bad, that you cant even give me a 2nd chance? why hurt me like that? why make me cry, baby? i’m your sweetie!! your precious!! aint i? come back to me already, please! you’re all i want.. please dont throw me away.. i know you didnt say i’m like the “unknown hidden secret”.. but your actions did.. i’m the friends (guys and gals) who were gonna have dinner with you.. doesnt matter. i can be it.  a hush hush thing. i’m at my wits’ end. i dont know what else i can say or do to make you understand.. perhaps you do understand but you choose no to believe me.. what else can i do? i guess only time will tell. i love you so much b! 

it’s been 2 months exactly. they said you’ve moved on and that i should too. yet i just couldnt. i’m still very much in love with you and missing you just as much if not more. yet what more can i say or do. havent i done enough? havent i said enough? perhaps not. perhaps cause it would never be enough cause i was never good enough for you. mel said i deserved it but i told him no i dont. i havent done anything to deserve it, to deserve your love. that’s why you left. cause i havent done enough, havent done anything. in fact i guess i always messed things up, screw up your days, that’s why your days are so bad and now even when we’re apart, i’m still spoiling your day, making your days lousy and bad. see! i really havent done anything right. and i doubt i’d ever get anything right. whatever this ending is, i have to finally admit and accept it. cause i deserve it. each time i wanna tell you i love you. i couldnt. each time i wanna tell you i miss you. still i couldnt. not cause the words cant come outta my mouth. cause it’s not what you wanna hear. it’s not what you wanna hear from me. you dont wanna hear from me. i figured. it hurts so badly and still is. yet i’m still so stubbornly loving you each day. i dont text you as often cause i dont wanna be bothering you, dont wanna annoy you. it’s not that i love you less. it’s not that i no longer care. it’s cause at times you give me the feeling that i’ve crossed the line and it annoys you.. alot.. i’m always at your beck and call and i know.. you no longer miss me, no longer love me, no longer care.. and no matter how many times i’ve asked for your return.. the answer remains.. it’s not that i’ve given up just cause i’ve stopped asking.. it’s cause i dont wanna get on your nerves.. and also cause each time the answer comes, it just stabs me all over again and the wound reopens. hah! in fact the wound has never been healed. and it still hurts constantly. yet there’s no one i can tell. or rather i dont wanna bother others with this prolong heartache of mine and there was no point telling them cause they would just tell me the same thing and i would still stubbornly wait.. wait for your return.. they probably given up hopes in advising me. sometimes i wonder if i’m losing it too. and i wonder if you would really be happy should i text you that i no longer love you. i guess.. you would be. it would probably be a burden off your shoulders? yet i still wanna believe that you left cause you love me too much. cause you feel that you cant give me what i want. but havent i proved that you’re all i want and need. they say that your every action states clearly you no longer love me, in fact you do say things to hurt me quite often. (cause you want me to totally backoff from your life?) so why am i still holding on and hoping? i dont know. a part of me still strongly believes the good in you. the baby that i fell so in love with. where did we go baby? where did we go? what happened to us? what ever happened? how can i still be hurting and crying this much after 2 months? will you ever love me again? i long so badly to hear you call me sweetie again. so badly….

feeding mozzies, playing game, using the cell, feeding more mozzies… i wonder why… /: and i thought i did ask to if we could talk tonight… you said sure.. but den just when i was starting.. reading the text to you like you requested, you started another convo with someone else.. leaving me to read the text out loud to.. i dunno who.. anywayz, it’s alright.. it’s no biggie anywayz..argh! don’t wanna type le!

why does this song sound so sad? honestly, how many have one loved before, still loving, will love? do we really love them all? love one after another? have we really loved before? if we really did, how is it possible at all that we just stop? and say goodbye. and after some time.. long or short, we embrace someone else into our lives. and as we’re hugging that someone new, will there be moments where we be reminded of the past? of the one we so-called used to call our love? if humans are all the same, and we all hold on to some form of memory of the previous, then i shouldn’t probe, shouldn’t wonder if the one i have lying next to me, holding my hand, hugging me, kissing me, could jolly well be thinking of another her, right? and needless to say, i shouldn’t feel affected? not at all? but that’s just human isn’t it? how many actually stay on, hold on, to that 1 and only first? who actually still do? there are of course those we really thought we could spend the rest of our lives with, and these are the ones who’ll prick us most and more often than not, find a part of ourselves, perhaps a tiny fraction, still reliving that memory, that part of our lives where we felt we were happie. how silly. how a red longchamp bag can make me think and reflect so much. and still make me feel so insecure. damnit! ): 
*when i say hurtful stuff to you, that’s because i’m hurting too.*
immature yet true.. who can deny..